*I have not written a blog since April I believe. I tried a couple of times, but I saw that I was low on subject matter. I figured no one was missing the blog so letting it go was probably not a big deal at all. However after talking to my friend Jenni W. I thought it would be fun to start this up again.
So here is the approaching dilemma. I want to continue with my "life story" from where I left off, but a lot of stuff has happened in 2010. In fact more happened in this year than I ever planned on. So, I do plan on addressing what has happened in 2010 once I catch up to it.
So! I had just come out to my best friend Taylor when we left off, which went very. That was the summer of 2007. Now a month or two prior to the start of that summer, our humble show choir was on tour in California. We would be performing at the Heritage Festival and would get to spend a day or two in Disney Land. It was turning out to be fun trip and we even won first at the festival.
Now on the train ride back to NM, my friends and I ended up staying up late and hanging out on the lower floor of the train. We laughed and celebrated our victory and as time went on, one by one, each of us walked back to our seats upstairs to get some sleep until there was only two people left down stairs. A boy named Colin and myself. Colin was a Sophomore at the time, so he was a bit younger than the majority of my friends in High School, but he was a friend non-the-less. Now the two of us ended up talking until it was shockingly early in the morning. This turned out to the first intimate moment I had ever had with a boy. No, we didn't do anything. We didn't even kiss, but it really seemed to be a nice moment that wasn't purely platonic and that was the first time I had had something like that.
A month later the two of us ended up kissing and after a little more time went on we realized that we had about nothing in common!!! We talked about us being in a relationship, but we just didn't work in that way. At all! It was nice having him to relate with on that night and he was my first "real" kiss and I'll always treasure that. We never were boyfriends despite the fact that we kinda talked about it from time to time. We were just each others first "almost boyfriend" and that was/is an important thing to have.
Now the story of my first boyfriend is one much longer and has yet to come up in this little blog of my life. So you'll just have to be patient for that one.
P.S.
I don't know if the next post after this one will be chapter 9 or not. We'll see when we get there :)
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
I'm Materialistic and Insane: Part 2
So a couple weeks ago I was feeling a bit down. Dark Play was coming quickly to close at the time and oddly that was one of the few things I used to maintain my small amount of sanity. So I had a bit of money laying around that didn't need to be invested and I figured I need new shoes.
I haled myself to the mall and went to a couple different stores... (Oh, quick side note, I bought some light green underwear at A.E.... Sad right?) I found myself in the Vans store first. There were some awesome purple vans on the self that were a bit too much out of my price range, but were a good possibility. I went to Journeys and looked at the converse. I've always wanted some converse, but not high tops. Not for me anyway. I asked if they had any purple converse and of course they responded with, "Yes we do, but only in high tops."
"Ok, let me just try on the green low tops in a 7." I don't really wear a 7, but converse run really big. Trust me, I used to sell them. You always want to get them in the next size down. They wear a perfect fit of course, but I wanted to keep looking. Eventually, I found my purple converse at a store whose name I really wish I could remember right now. Once there though the salesmen convinced to buy socks, which were on sale and some shoe cleaner.
On the way home I remembered that I needed to make some practical purchases: deodorant, some razors, and body wash. Pretty basic stuff, right? You would think so, but turns out I can't even buy those things sanely. I sat looking at the Fusion razors outraged that they wanted $15 for five little razors! I love the brand because I've never gotten a closer shave with the least amount of irritation, but this is crazy. Eventually, I begrudgingly put the razors in my basket. I hate shaving though. I can't believe I have to buy this stuff to do something I hate! I mean I don't want to grow facial hair or anything, but it's so time consuming and it can be a bit uncomfortable. It's always the worst part of my day.
"Who do these people think they are? Charging me this much for razors. I think it's about time there was a more sound solution to hair removal. I mean we don't need anything totally permanent, but I shouldn't have to shave every day and… well maintain other areas a few times a week, if you know what I mean. It seems there are no good solutions anymore. Laser therapy cost so much and can be damaging to your skins, hair removing chemicals can actually burn your skin, and lets face it, no one has time to go threw the hour long process of waxing… I don’t do any of those for the record. Ahem. But seriously it is 2010 and we are still using our old grandfathers method of hair removal. It’s ridiculous.”
I went to look at the body washes and the deodorants. Suddenly I found myself having a flash back. July of 2007, when I was working in men’s shoe department at JcPenny. I found that I had recognized one of my co-workers as an Eldorado High graduate. His name was Steven and he was this tall red head who was so far from my type it was ridiculous. He had a beard. I’m never attracted to guys with beards, but this time it was different.
Anyway, the one reason I feel for him so hard wasn’t the fact that he had this really cool nerdy vibe going, which normally works well for me. What sealed the deal was how he smelled. He smelled like heaven…. I’m not creepy I promise. It was just a very cramped department and everyone could smell everyone without trying. Finally, one day, someone asked why he smelled so good. “Well the truth is I use really girly shampoos and deodorants.”
After remembering that brief moment I thought, “What the hell? Let’s try his method.” I smelt numerous body washes and shampoos and deodorants. Of course all of the deodorants smelt too strong and over powering and of course the new scents they are coming out with in soap is getting ridiculous. I remember thinking that I wanted something that smelled natural and fruity (Don’t make any Gay jokes, it’s too easy). The only fruit sentenced body wash was cranberry. No one want to smell like a cranberry. It’s just weird. Cranberry’s smell and taste good for about a second and then you are left with this bitter after taste, or in this case smell, that stings almost. All the other soaps were candy scented, which to me just seemed gross. Why would any want to have caramel scented soap? Do they want people to just follow them around and say, “Hm, you smell like you just feel on a candy apple and got it in your hair!”
After a while of getting nowhere I caved and bought my standard soap and my standard deodorant and went home. Now you have a small window into my insane mind when it comes to shopping. Thank god I got out of working in retail.
I haled myself to the mall and went to a couple different stores... (Oh, quick side note, I bought some light green underwear at A.E.... Sad right?) I found myself in the Vans store first. There were some awesome purple vans on the self that were a bit too much out of my price range, but were a good possibility. I went to Journeys and looked at the converse. I've always wanted some converse, but not high tops. Not for me anyway. I asked if they had any purple converse and of course they responded with, "Yes we do, but only in high tops."
"Ok, let me just try on the green low tops in a 7." I don't really wear a 7, but converse run really big. Trust me, I used to sell them. You always want to get them in the next size down. They wear a perfect fit of course, but I wanted to keep looking. Eventually, I found my purple converse at a store whose name I really wish I could remember right now. Once there though the salesmen convinced to buy socks, which were on sale and some shoe cleaner.
On the way home I remembered that I needed to make some practical purchases: deodorant, some razors, and body wash. Pretty basic stuff, right? You would think so, but turns out I can't even buy those things sanely. I sat looking at the Fusion razors outraged that they wanted $15 for five little razors! I love the brand because I've never gotten a closer shave with the least amount of irritation, but this is crazy. Eventually, I begrudgingly put the razors in my basket. I hate shaving though. I can't believe I have to buy this stuff to do something I hate! I mean I don't want to grow facial hair or anything, but it's so time consuming and it can be a bit uncomfortable. It's always the worst part of my day.
"Who do these people think they are? Charging me this much for razors. I think it's about time there was a more sound solution to hair removal. I mean we don't need anything totally permanent, but I shouldn't have to shave every day and… well maintain other areas a few times a week, if you know what I mean. It seems there are no good solutions anymore. Laser therapy cost so much and can be damaging to your skins, hair removing chemicals can actually burn your skin, and lets face it, no one has time to go threw the hour long process of waxing… I don’t do any of those for the record. Ahem. But seriously it is 2010 and we are still using our old grandfathers method of hair removal. It’s ridiculous.”
I went to look at the body washes and the deodorants. Suddenly I found myself having a flash back. July of 2007, when I was working in men’s shoe department at JcPenny. I found that I had recognized one of my co-workers as an Eldorado High graduate. His name was Steven and he was this tall red head who was so far from my type it was ridiculous. He had a beard. I’m never attracted to guys with beards, but this time it was different.
Anyway, the one reason I feel for him so hard wasn’t the fact that he had this really cool nerdy vibe going, which normally works well for me. What sealed the deal was how he smelled. He smelled like heaven…. I’m not creepy I promise. It was just a very cramped department and everyone could smell everyone without trying. Finally, one day, someone asked why he smelled so good. “Well the truth is I use really girly shampoos and deodorants.”
After remembering that brief moment I thought, “What the hell? Let’s try his method.” I smelt numerous body washes and shampoos and deodorants. Of course all of the deodorants smelt too strong and over powering and of course the new scents they are coming out with in soap is getting ridiculous. I remember thinking that I wanted something that smelled natural and fruity (Don’t make any Gay jokes, it’s too easy). The only fruit sentenced body wash was cranberry. No one want to smell like a cranberry. It’s just weird. Cranberry’s smell and taste good for about a second and then you are left with this bitter after taste, or in this case smell, that stings almost. All the other soaps were candy scented, which to me just seemed gross. Why would any want to have caramel scented soap? Do they want people to just follow them around and say, “Hm, you smell like you just feel on a candy apple and got it in your hair!”
After a while of getting nowhere I caved and bought my standard soap and my standard deodorant and went home. Now you have a small window into my insane mind when it comes to shopping. Thank god I got out of working in retail.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I'm Materialistic and Insane: Part 1
Many people already know this about me. I'm very materialistic. I put a high value on things. I like it this way. Now it's not like I love going out and getting expensive art or high tech gadgets. Other than an Ipod or my Laptop most of my tech stuff is pretty basic. I can't work HD stuff. I don't have time to get the full use out of an Xbox 360 or a PS3 so I don't have one. Even my stereo is pretty dinkey.
Now when it comes to clothing, that's where my materialism comes in. I substitute love with new clothing constantly. I know it's wrong, but whenever I feel alone I shop. It makes me happy for a little bit to have something new and exciting and makes me feel good about myself. So I find myself shopping from time to time.
Then, when I'm dating someone and I think it's going well (operative word being "think") I find myself thinking pretty quickly that he's probably seen me in all my cloths and (let's be honest) all my underwear too. So in response to this thought, that has been slowly growing deep in the corner of my mind, I do what? I end up shopping for more cloths. Really, it's all a very vicious cycle.
Here's a small glimpse into my mind from just a few weeks ago. At the time I was dating someone and we were well... at a point in our relationship where we were not official, but were having intimate moments... Ok, fine. We were having sex. Not the point though! Anyway, I found myself thinking the following, "Well he's probably seen all of my cute underwear already. And I don't want to just wear regular blacks boxer briefs around him. He's going to think I only own five pairs of underwear. I should go out and buy a pair or two. AND hey! I'm having sex again. Now is when I should be buying cute underwear. It just makes economic sense."
Yes, when it comes to clothing I think I'm an economic genius. At least that's what I tell myself so that I can make up some kind of reason to buy clothing.
I went to the mall. Popped into one of my favorite stores known as American Eagle, (don't hate) and took a short look around. While there I stopped and said to myself, "You know, I'm really tired of my brown coat. Sure it's cute, but i think it might be too heavy for the current weather. I should look at some light coats. Maybe in tan? You don't own anything in tan."
So in addition to looking at the underwear I tried on a sweater or two. I found a lovely red pull over that wasn't covered in eagles and it was actually on sale. 50% off in fact! I tried it on. "Jesus, I'm cute in dark colors. How can anyone stand to be around me? I'm too pretty."
I came out of the changing room and began looking at the underwear. I found a bunch of boxer briefs and trunks that I really liked. A few in nice solid greens, a few blue ones, and a beautiful set of deep purple boxer briefs. I picked from those and went up to the register.
There was a very long line, which was odd considering I was there in the middle of the day. "Really?! It's 2 o'clock. Shouldn't these people be at work or school? Well I guess these people are thinking the same thing about me... You know, it's early March. Do I really need this red sweater? I mean sure it's cute and I could always wear it on the occasional cold day, but would it get enough use to justify the price? I guess I could always keep wearing it next winter, but what if I'm sick of it by then? I should put the sweater back. You know Michael-Ray, since you're putting it back you could probably afford some socks. Look there are some grey socks that are cute and would fit you. Geez, why is the eagle on the sock so big?"
I got back in line and remembered that I needed to check the price of the socks. After all, you can't just drop socks on a register with out knowing how much you are paying for them, right? "15 DOLLARS!? REALLY? Come on! They are just socks. It's like I'm paying for a giant eagle on some cotton. I'll just go to Target and get the exact same thing minus an eagle."
That's when I came to a revelation.
"This underwear isn't my size. I mean it would fit, but it would be a bit big and might bunch with some of my tighter jeans. Do they have smalls?... Son of a bitch. Of course they don't. They never do. No one ever does. I'm going to go somewhere that does... Not Aeropostal. Every now and then the might have something cute, but most of their stuff is too '16 years old' and falls apart in the wash... Do I really want to go to Express? It's way to expensive, and I don't really think I look good in Express cloths. I feel like I'm posing as someone else. Well, it's just underwear. Let's just check it out."
After having a ten minute battle in my mind about what to do with my minor underwear crisis, all the while just standing in line at A.E. I figured it was time to put the underwear down and leave the store. I went down the hall and made it to the Express and went straight to the mens underwear section. I didn't want to be distracted. Even though I'm not a huge Express fan I will occasionally find something I love, especially if I find myself in the Tie section... Oh I have a bad soft spot for ties. *HINT* Birthday coming up by the way. If you don't know what to get me, a cute tie is always in season. Anyway I looked and I saw the underwear. "DAMN IT! Nothing! It's all Mediums. And these blue ones are so cute. I've always wanted light blue underwear. This isn't fair. Wait, that's a small. Hm, it's red. I don't have any red underwear. This could be fun. HOLD UP! Dark purple under wear with black strips. Really? They are so cute. But you do already have purple underwear. You should mix it up and get the red ones........ Oh my god. The underwear is buy one get one half off........ It's fate."
Yeah. I know I have a sick obsession. OH! Here's the best part. So I bought the underwear and Trevor dumped me... "But, you can't break up with me. I just bought new underwear. Don't you understand how big a deal that is?" Fucking really? I really got dumped again. I mean, I'm by no means depressed that I no longer have this guy. I'm fine with that actually. I'm just bitter I got dumped a couple days after I bought new underwear and I didn't even get to use it. So now the underwear just sits there mocking me saying, "Haha you got dumped again!"... It doesn't really talk to me. I'm not crazy, I promise.
Now when it comes to clothing, that's where my materialism comes in. I substitute love with new clothing constantly. I know it's wrong, but whenever I feel alone I shop. It makes me happy for a little bit to have something new and exciting and makes me feel good about myself. So I find myself shopping from time to time.
Then, when I'm dating someone and I think it's going well (operative word being "think") I find myself thinking pretty quickly that he's probably seen me in all my cloths and (let's be honest) all my underwear too. So in response to this thought, that has been slowly growing deep in the corner of my mind, I do what? I end up shopping for more cloths. Really, it's all a very vicious cycle.
Here's a small glimpse into my mind from just a few weeks ago. At the time I was dating someone and we were well... at a point in our relationship where we were not official, but were having intimate moments... Ok, fine. We were having sex. Not the point though! Anyway, I found myself thinking the following, "Well he's probably seen all of my cute underwear already. And I don't want to just wear regular blacks boxer briefs around him. He's going to think I only own five pairs of underwear. I should go out and buy a pair or two. AND hey! I'm having sex again. Now is when I should be buying cute underwear. It just makes economic sense."
Yes, when it comes to clothing I think I'm an economic genius. At least that's what I tell myself so that I can make up some kind of reason to buy clothing.
I went to the mall. Popped into one of my favorite stores known as American Eagle, (don't hate) and took a short look around. While there I stopped and said to myself, "You know, I'm really tired of my brown coat. Sure it's cute, but i think it might be too heavy for the current weather. I should look at some light coats. Maybe in tan? You don't own anything in tan."
So in addition to looking at the underwear I tried on a sweater or two. I found a lovely red pull over that wasn't covered in eagles and it was actually on sale. 50% off in fact! I tried it on. "Jesus, I'm cute in dark colors. How can anyone stand to be around me? I'm too pretty."
I came out of the changing room and began looking at the underwear. I found a bunch of boxer briefs and trunks that I really liked. A few in nice solid greens, a few blue ones, and a beautiful set of deep purple boxer briefs. I picked from those and went up to the register.
There was a very long line, which was odd considering I was there in the middle of the day. "Really?! It's 2 o'clock. Shouldn't these people be at work or school? Well I guess these people are thinking the same thing about me... You know, it's early March. Do I really need this red sweater? I mean sure it's cute and I could always wear it on the occasional cold day, but would it get enough use to justify the price? I guess I could always keep wearing it next winter, but what if I'm sick of it by then? I should put the sweater back. You know Michael-Ray, since you're putting it back you could probably afford some socks. Look there are some grey socks that are cute and would fit you. Geez, why is the eagle on the sock so big?"
I got back in line and remembered that I needed to check the price of the socks. After all, you can't just drop socks on a register with out knowing how much you are paying for them, right? "15 DOLLARS!? REALLY? Come on! They are just socks. It's like I'm paying for a giant eagle on some cotton. I'll just go to Target and get the exact same thing minus an eagle."
That's when I came to a revelation.
"This underwear isn't my size. I mean it would fit, but it would be a bit big and might bunch with some of my tighter jeans. Do they have smalls?... Son of a bitch. Of course they don't. They never do. No one ever does. I'm going to go somewhere that does... Not Aeropostal. Every now and then the might have something cute, but most of their stuff is too '16 years old' and falls apart in the wash... Do I really want to go to Express? It's way to expensive, and I don't really think I look good in Express cloths. I feel like I'm posing as someone else. Well, it's just underwear. Let's just check it out."
After having a ten minute battle in my mind about what to do with my minor underwear crisis, all the while just standing in line at A.E. I figured it was time to put the underwear down and leave the store. I went down the hall and made it to the Express and went straight to the mens underwear section. I didn't want to be distracted. Even though I'm not a huge Express fan I will occasionally find something I love, especially if I find myself in the Tie section... Oh I have a bad soft spot for ties. *HINT* Birthday coming up by the way. If you don't know what to get me, a cute tie is always in season. Anyway I looked and I saw the underwear. "DAMN IT! Nothing! It's all Mediums. And these blue ones are so cute. I've always wanted light blue underwear. This isn't fair. Wait, that's a small. Hm, it's red. I don't have any red underwear. This could be fun. HOLD UP! Dark purple under wear with black strips. Really? They are so cute. But you do already have purple underwear. You should mix it up and get the red ones........ Oh my god. The underwear is buy one get one half off........ It's fate."
Yeah. I know I have a sick obsession. OH! Here's the best part. So I bought the underwear and Trevor dumped me... "But, you can't break up with me. I just bought new underwear. Don't you understand how big a deal that is?" Fucking really? I really got dumped again. I mean, I'm by no means depressed that I no longer have this guy. I'm fine with that actually. I'm just bitter I got dumped a couple days after I bought new underwear and I didn't even get to use it. So now the underwear just sits there mocking me saying, "Haha you got dumped again!"... It doesn't really talk to me. I'm not crazy, I promise.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Chapter 7
Coming out of the closet was surprisingly easy. On one hand, I'm sure it was because was because it wasn't exactly the worlds best kept secret. But at the same time it was so easy because the few people I had told didn't ever pressure me to keep telling people.
After I told Jean-Louise that I was gay she reacted oddly to say the least.
"Michael are fucking kidding me?"
"Um, no."
"Because if you are kidding, I'm going to come over to your house and kick the shit out of you. If you aren't kidding then I love and support you."
"Yeah... I'm not kidding." Apparently kidding about your sexuality to Jeanie was something you didn't want to do.
We stayed up all night talking. For the first time in my life I felt like I was being my self. We talked about my feelings and how I was going to go about coming out for a little bit for the most part we just talked as friends. We talked about the boys we liked, which for me was a very big deal, what we would wear, and how we wanted to do our hair. You know... girl talk! I had never had a conversation so at ease.
Me and Jeanie got closer and closer. We began having code words about gay topics when we were infront of our friends. People began to notice that we had become very close, and a few even began to wonder what was up. Our friend Emily Strongin was a good example of this. She knew better than to think that the two of us were dating, but she was starting to wonder. So one by one we began to tell the others.
One day at a Starbucks I told my friend Katie Walker. She pretended to be surprised and I feel for it. It was very sweet.
A month or so later I told the previously mentiod Emily too.
"AW! I didn't realize you were..... fluffy."
That's right. she called me Fluffy. I had never heard of someone gay being refereed to as Fluffy.
It wasn't long until I had to tell Taylor. My best straight male friend. Honestly I wasn't friends with many boys in high school. Also I didn't give a shit what any of the boys thought of my sexuality, but telling T was going to be different. Every girl I told was more than fine and many loved me more for it, but normally the straight boys didn't know how to handle a gay guy. I cared what Taylor thought and I was pretty sure he would be fine, but he was still a straight boy.
Never the less though, he didn't care. He said it didn't ever change anything and that it never would.
There were still a couple more people to tell, but that is for another chapter.
After I told Jean-Louise that I was gay she reacted oddly to say the least.
"Michael are fucking kidding me?"
"Um, no."
"Because if you are kidding, I'm going to come over to your house and kick the shit out of you. If you aren't kidding then I love and support you."
"Yeah... I'm not kidding." Apparently kidding about your sexuality to Jeanie was something you didn't want to do.
We stayed up all night talking. For the first time in my life I felt like I was being my self. We talked about my feelings and how I was going to go about coming out for a little bit for the most part we just talked as friends. We talked about the boys we liked, which for me was a very big deal, what we would wear, and how we wanted to do our hair. You know... girl talk! I had never had a conversation so at ease.
Me and Jeanie got closer and closer. We began having code words about gay topics when we were infront of our friends. People began to notice that we had become very close, and a few even began to wonder what was up. Our friend Emily Strongin was a good example of this. She knew better than to think that the two of us were dating, but she was starting to wonder. So one by one we began to tell the others.
One day at a Starbucks I told my friend Katie Walker. She pretended to be surprised and I feel for it. It was very sweet.
A month or so later I told the previously mentiod Emily too.
"AW! I didn't realize you were..... fluffy."
That's right. she called me Fluffy. I had never heard of someone gay being refereed to as Fluffy.
It wasn't long until I had to tell Taylor. My best straight male friend. Honestly I wasn't friends with many boys in high school. Also I didn't give a shit what any of the boys thought of my sexuality, but telling T was going to be different. Every girl I told was more than fine and many loved me more for it, but normally the straight boys didn't know how to handle a gay guy. I cared what Taylor thought and I was pretty sure he would be fine, but he was still a straight boy.
Never the less though, he didn't care. He said it didn't ever change anything and that it never would.
There were still a couple more people to tell, but that is for another chapter.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Chapter 6: Untitled Chapter
Today's blog is brought to you by, "I CAN'T SLEEP: Ruining Your Rest for 21 Years and Counting"
My friends were always there for me in high school even though I often thought they weren't. I trusted very few people even though many of the people I didn't trust actually dissevered my trust the whole time. In fact in my Junior year I ended up turning to one of the last people I ever thought I would.
Jean-Louise Zancanella was a good friend. In the previous blog entrees she had been referred to as a Frienemie. Maybe that is how our relationship started, but in all honesty that was my fault. I was so annoying in my Freshmen year of high school I would have hated me.
As time went on I grew to really like Jean-Louise. I'm pretty sure (or at least I hope) she grew to like too. One day in the fall of my Junior year, which I guess was towards the end of 2005, I was at Luminaria bag folding party at Jeanie's house. The reason for the party by the way, was to make Luminaria's and sell them to raise money for the choir. As the party came to a close I turned to Jeanie and said I had to tell her something. To this day I still don't know why I said that, but it was the right thing to do. She said, "Alright. What's up?"
"Actually, how about we do this later? I'm actually kind of tired and should go home."
"...Okay."
I wasn't tired. I chickened out.
Later that night Jeanie called me.
"Hey, is everything okay Michael?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"Well you just were acting funny today at the party. What did you want to tell me?"
"Oh honestly, I totally forgot. It must have not been that important."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive."
"Alright Michael. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Ditto. Have good night."
Why was I such a pussy? I couldn't even tell this person, who had become so close to me in the past 2 and a half years, what I was feeling..... Ok, I know it sounds like I'm about to confess my undying love for Jean-Lousie at this point in the story, but trust me. That isn't where this is going.
About an hour later, I realized that I had nothing to be afraid of. There was no reason to lie. Least of all to Jeanie. I was being stupid. So I picked up the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Jeanie! Guess what!? I'm gay!"
My friends were always there for me in high school even though I often thought they weren't. I trusted very few people even though many of the people I didn't trust actually dissevered my trust the whole time. In fact in my Junior year I ended up turning to one of the last people I ever thought I would.
Jean-Louise Zancanella was a good friend. In the previous blog entrees she had been referred to as a Frienemie. Maybe that is how our relationship started, but in all honesty that was my fault. I was so annoying in my Freshmen year of high school I would have hated me.
As time went on I grew to really like Jean-Louise. I'm pretty sure (or at least I hope) she grew to like too. One day in the fall of my Junior year, which I guess was towards the end of 2005, I was at Luminaria bag folding party at Jeanie's house. The reason for the party by the way, was to make Luminaria's and sell them to raise money for the choir. As the party came to a close I turned to Jeanie and said I had to tell her something. To this day I still don't know why I said that, but it was the right thing to do. She said, "Alright. What's up?"
"Actually, how about we do this later? I'm actually kind of tired and should go home."
"...Okay."
I wasn't tired. I chickened out.
Later that night Jeanie called me.
"Hey, is everything okay Michael?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"Well you just were acting funny today at the party. What did you want to tell me?"
"Oh honestly, I totally forgot. It must have not been that important."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive."
"Alright Michael. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Ditto. Have good night."
Why was I such a pussy? I couldn't even tell this person, who had become so close to me in the past 2 and a half years, what I was feeling..... Ok, I know it sounds like I'm about to confess my undying love for Jean-Lousie at this point in the story, but trust me. That isn't where this is going.
About an hour later, I realized that I had nothing to be afraid of. There was no reason to lie. Least of all to Jeanie. I was being stupid. So I picked up the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Jeanie! Guess what!? I'm gay!"
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Chapter 5: High School Theatre
I had several goals in high school. Nearly all of them included scratching and clawing my way to the top of the Drama department at Eldorado High. In my freshmen year I was signed up for drama 1. This was a decision I soon came to regret. The class was taught by someone who I feel wasn’t really qualified to teach the class… That is such an understatement of how I really feel about that class, but this is not a place for me to rip on a person profession. As the story goes, I dropped out of the class after the first semester.
One year later though my choir teacher Clarissa Clark teamed up with the previously mentioned drama teacher to put on the musical Joseph and the Amazing Techni-Colored Dream Coat, which is possibly the worst musical ever written. It was fun though. I’m really stretching the definition of the word “fun” here by the way. I was cast as the Elvis impersonating Pharaoh… God, you can tell how bad this show was simply by the list of roles.
So as time went by the drama teacher began to vanish from Eldorado High. Rumors went through the school surrounding his removal, but nothing official was ever said. Nonetheless a teacher from Hoover middle school who was nothing short of great replaced him. Mr. Raison was an amazing teacher and he put on great shows. He too teamed up with Clarissa Clark to put on a musical, but this time it didn’t suck. I was cast in their rendition of Guys and Dolls as Nicely-Nicely Johnson and was able to act alongside two of my favorite people in the world Jenni Walkowiak and Jean-Louise Zancanella, who by this point was a friend and not a frienemy. I think the three of us were pretty awesome in that show, just sayin!
Guys and Dolls is what propelled me to pursue a career in musical theatre, even though at the time I didn’t realize it. I don’t think that made sense when written down, but it’s true. It was Clarissa Clark who highly encouraged me to continue pursue theatre as a career and study it in college, which was quickly approaching. I just couldn’t see how anyone could want to do theatre as something professional at that time in my life. I just saw it as this fun thing that I did on the side.
At that time, what I really wanted to do was write for films. I had been taking a film class at Eldorado High and I loved it. I had been taking private editng classes downtown at the film studios and I had also been cranking out a number of small independent films and I won’t lie, for a high school student a couple of them were really good. I had to work on a number of films for the class that essentially were dorky news shows that we so lovingly called the “Weekly Show”. I hated that show. What I really loved was directing and editing the works I had written or had a hand in writing. I also worked directly with the teacher, Kenneth Wimmer, as a mentor to the younger students and often helped the students figure out the soft ware. I was so consumed by film and it rocked. My two favorite projects were a set of music videos titled “Good Enough” and “Your Rain”.
I’ve gotten off track. The point is I liked theatre a lot in high school, but I was very focused on other things at the time. Still I guess what I’m trying to say is that if I didn’t sort of play around in theatre then I would probably still be a film major.
One year later though my choir teacher Clarissa Clark teamed up with the previously mentioned drama teacher to put on the musical Joseph and the Amazing Techni-Colored Dream Coat, which is possibly the worst musical ever written. It was fun though. I’m really stretching the definition of the word “fun” here by the way. I was cast as the Elvis impersonating Pharaoh… God, you can tell how bad this show was simply by the list of roles.
So as time went by the drama teacher began to vanish from Eldorado High. Rumors went through the school surrounding his removal, but nothing official was ever said. Nonetheless a teacher from Hoover middle school who was nothing short of great replaced him. Mr. Raison was an amazing teacher and he put on great shows. He too teamed up with Clarissa Clark to put on a musical, but this time it didn’t suck. I was cast in their rendition of Guys and Dolls as Nicely-Nicely Johnson and was able to act alongside two of my favorite people in the world Jenni Walkowiak and Jean-Louise Zancanella, who by this point was a friend and not a frienemy. I think the three of us were pretty awesome in that show, just sayin!
Guys and Dolls is what propelled me to pursue a career in musical theatre, even though at the time I didn’t realize it. I don’t think that made sense when written down, but it’s true. It was Clarissa Clark who highly encouraged me to continue pursue theatre as a career and study it in college, which was quickly approaching. I just couldn’t see how anyone could want to do theatre as something professional at that time in my life. I just saw it as this fun thing that I did on the side.
At that time, what I really wanted to do was write for films. I had been taking a film class at Eldorado High and I loved it. I had been taking private editng classes downtown at the film studios and I had also been cranking out a number of small independent films and I won’t lie, for a high school student a couple of them were really good. I had to work on a number of films for the class that essentially were dorky news shows that we so lovingly called the “Weekly Show”. I hated that show. What I really loved was directing and editing the works I had written or had a hand in writing. I also worked directly with the teacher, Kenneth Wimmer, as a mentor to the younger students and often helped the students figure out the soft ware. I was so consumed by film and it rocked. My two favorite projects were a set of music videos titled “Good Enough” and “Your Rain”.
I’ve gotten off track. The point is I liked theatre a lot in high school, but I was very focused on other things at the time. Still I guess what I’m trying to say is that if I didn’t sort of play around in theatre then I would probably still be a film major.
Monday, February 15, 2010
There are a few parts of me that I miss. I miss playing video games. I haven't played video games since last summer. Growing up I was kinda lonely. My siblings were so much older than me that we never really hung out and I wasn't very good at meeting people so for the most part video games were my friends. I wasn't addicted to them or anything. For the most part I read a lot as a child, but I indulged from time to time in sitting in front of a TV with a PS controller in my hands.
As I grew up I found a few friends. And a couple of those friends loved playing video games as much as I did. There were even a few times that I could convince Jean-Louise to play with me. She was terrible! Completely awful, but for some reason playing with her was so much fun.
If I was feeling competitive Cara would come over and we would end up destroying each other at Mario Cart, Halo, Super Smash Brothers, you name it. One time we got really worked up over a Mario Cart race and ended up cursing at each other all day.
Last year I had a video game buddy. He was really cocky when it came to video games, but he was fun to play with. Whenever I beat him, he would always act really shocked and demand a re-match and I would beat him again. BUT when it came to Mario Cart the jerk was unbeatable, it was ridiculous. The first time the two of us ever played alone together, he was letting me borrow some sheet music and while we waited for it to print we took turns schooling the other on the Wii.
As time went on video games became something you did with your friends and not by yourself. I won't lie either. It was more fun this way. It got to the point where I would only play if someone else was involved in the video game playing though.
Eventually, those video game friends disappeared one by one. Cara is working in Japan now and happily married. Jeanie is still around, but we see each other less and less, but I'm hoping to remedy that soon. The other video game buddy? Well we hit a rough patch. We ended up fighting a lot over the dumbest stuff. I think the both of us are still angry from our last fight. It's funny. The first "fight" we ever had was back in March of 2009 and at the end he asked, "Am I still going to have my video game buddy?" I replied, "Of course." I hate that I lied to him.
I don't play video games anymore. I tried the other day, but I wasn't in the mood. I was at Trevors apartment and I played a round of Mario Cart, but I didn't enjoy it. Honestly, when it comes down to it all, it was the people I loved playing with, and not the games we were playing. I said at the start, I missed a few things about me. I miss laughing at or with Jeanie. I miss being ridiculous with Cara. I miss having someone who I could say anything to. That being said, I don't regret any of my choices. I burned a bridge or two and I won't look back, but the consequences of burning that bridge really blow.
I'm seeing someone now. We're having fun. We don't play video games together, but he has great taste in film and literature.
As I grew up I found a few friends. And a couple of those friends loved playing video games as much as I did. There were even a few times that I could convince Jean-Louise to play with me. She was terrible! Completely awful, but for some reason playing with her was so much fun.
If I was feeling competitive Cara would come over and we would end up destroying each other at Mario Cart, Halo, Super Smash Brothers, you name it. One time we got really worked up over a Mario Cart race and ended up cursing at each other all day.
Last year I had a video game buddy. He was really cocky when it came to video games, but he was fun to play with. Whenever I beat him, he would always act really shocked and demand a re-match and I would beat him again. BUT when it came to Mario Cart the jerk was unbeatable, it was ridiculous. The first time the two of us ever played alone together, he was letting me borrow some sheet music and while we waited for it to print we took turns schooling the other on the Wii.
As time went on video games became something you did with your friends and not by yourself. I won't lie either. It was more fun this way. It got to the point where I would only play if someone else was involved in the video game playing though.
Eventually, those video game friends disappeared one by one. Cara is working in Japan now and happily married. Jeanie is still around, but we see each other less and less, but I'm hoping to remedy that soon. The other video game buddy? Well we hit a rough patch. We ended up fighting a lot over the dumbest stuff. I think the both of us are still angry from our last fight. It's funny. The first "fight" we ever had was back in March of 2009 and at the end he asked, "Am I still going to have my video game buddy?" I replied, "Of course." I hate that I lied to him.
I don't play video games anymore. I tried the other day, but I wasn't in the mood. I was at Trevors apartment and I played a round of Mario Cart, but I didn't enjoy it. Honestly, when it comes down to it all, it was the people I loved playing with, and not the games we were playing. I said at the start, I missed a few things about me. I miss laughing at or with Jeanie. I miss being ridiculous with Cara. I miss having someone who I could say anything to. That being said, I don't regret any of my choices. I burned a bridge or two and I won't look back, but the consequences of burning that bridge really blow.
I'm seeing someone now. We're having fun. We don't play video games together, but he has great taste in film and literature.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
It's catch up time. Originally this whole blog started as a narrative of my life. I still want to do that, but I've had a lot of friends up and move on me lately and I'd like to use this help keep them up. Especially seeing how one of them lives in Japan and we can't exactly find good times to talk.
So things have been crazy. I auditioned for "The 25th Annual Putnum County Spelling Bee" for MTS. I did not get cast in that. Like every actor I was prepared for rejection, kinda... Ok, fine. I pouted. I cursed, but just a little. I drowned the sorrow in food, doctor pepper, and Desperate Housewives. It's not like I called up the director and threw a fit or anything. So is pouting for a minute or two against the ethical laws of the actor? I don't think so. It's not like I tripped the actor who got the role over me in the hall... Ok, maybe I tried once, but he completely missed my foot. Walked straight over it. He's fine.
Anyway, not getting cast was a blessing in disguise. A week later I auditioned for a show called "Dark Play or Stories For Boys" and I am proud to say that I am currently rehearsing for the role of Nick! I have never felt more honored, lucky, or blessed as an actor. Being a part of this show, working with this ensemble, working through the text is nothing short of thrilling. I won't lie though. The role scares the shit out of me. Not only do I have more lines than Jesus did in the New Testament.... (Was that blasphemous?) but Nick is a complex little bugger who has actually kinda started to get into my head.
Class has been fun. Taking Acting 3, Musical Theatre, Theatre History 2, Theatre Topics, Ballet for Men (that's another thing that scares the fuck out of me), Rome on the Big Screen, and voice and movement.
Today I won back my Freedom of Speech. It only cost me a summer job. Really though it's ok. I'm going to travel. And it's not like I'll be money-less. I'm going on a tour in Mexico and for the first time in my life, acting for money!
Normally this would be the part where I would say, "I guess life is good". I won't say that. I'm taking out the guess and upgrading the good. Life is great.
So things have been crazy. I auditioned for "The 25th Annual Putnum County Spelling Bee" for MTS. I did not get cast in that. Like every actor I was prepared for rejection, kinda... Ok, fine. I pouted. I cursed, but just a little. I drowned the sorrow in food, doctor pepper, and Desperate Housewives. It's not like I called up the director and threw a fit or anything. So is pouting for a minute or two against the ethical laws of the actor? I don't think so. It's not like I tripped the actor who got the role over me in the hall... Ok, maybe I tried once, but he completely missed my foot. Walked straight over it. He's fine.
Anyway, not getting cast was a blessing in disguise. A week later I auditioned for a show called "Dark Play or Stories For Boys" and I am proud to say that I am currently rehearsing for the role of Nick! I have never felt more honored, lucky, or blessed as an actor. Being a part of this show, working with this ensemble, working through the text is nothing short of thrilling. I won't lie though. The role scares the shit out of me. Not only do I have more lines than Jesus did in the New Testament.... (Was that blasphemous?) but Nick is a complex little bugger who has actually kinda started to get into my head.
Class has been fun. Taking Acting 3, Musical Theatre, Theatre History 2, Theatre Topics, Ballet for Men (that's another thing that scares the fuck out of me), Rome on the Big Screen, and voice and movement.
Today I won back my Freedom of Speech. It only cost me a summer job. Really though it's ok. I'm going to travel. And it's not like I'll be money-less. I'm going on a tour in Mexico and for the first time in my life, acting for money!
Normally this would be the part where I would say, "I guess life is good". I won't say that. I'm taking out the guess and upgrading the good. Life is great.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
A Kind Of A Sort Of
Ok, I get it. The universe doesn't want me to date. To all those guys out there that have had to go through the pain that was seeing me, I'm that person who spilled too many cups of coffee on your lap. I'm the person who accidently dropped the burning candle on your cat. I'm that guy who slipped on your front porch after our first kiss which showed you that maybe you don't want to be seen in public with me. Thankfully, I'm not the guy that reended you and then tried to molest you in your bedroom. He's one step of pathetic dating habits beneath me even.
You've broken up with me for varies reason. You say "You're just too good in bed for me." or "I think we have such a great friendship that we shouldn't risk anything." Really you're saying "You set my kitchen on fire. Please never speak to me again." or "You watch Doctor Who. Seriously, who watches that?"
I've screwed up more relationships, dates, flings, coffee's and lunches than you can really even begin to know though. One time I sat in utter silence while the cute boy across the star bucks coffee table tried his hardest to come up with something for the two of us to talk about, yet for some reason all he was really able to think about was "Dear god, when will this date be over?" And all I could think was, "IF you don't say something then this will be the most terribly awkward hour of your entire life. DEAR JESUS! Just say something! ANYTHING WILL DO!!!" I should have just said, "So this obviously isn't going to work out then."
I've dumped during Super Bad. That's right. DURING Super Bad. Not after the movie... During. That boy couldn't even make it through the entire movie (terrible movie by the way) to tell me that this was over. He leans over and begins to tell me just how over it is while the two idiots on screen make penis jokes.
It was today though that I believe I have hit an all time low. I'm not sure how, but I managed to fuck up a date before it even happened. It's like I preemptively cock blocked myself... Actually, this one shouldn't be my fault (KEYWORD: shouldn't). I did nothing wrong except flirt with a boy and ask him on a date or two. We never went on any of those dates. EVER. But today I was informed that there was a "rumor" that me and the previously mentioned boy had actually been seriously dating for a while now. At first I thought, "Hey, that's weird and funny and random and of course not true at all." After a while though I began to realize that this previously mentioned guy must have thought that I was psycho freak who was going around telling people that we were seriously dating. Which we were NOT for the record! Would I have liked to go to a movie or lunch or something? Yes, I would have. Did I? No. Will I? Well now I don't think I'm going to get to. Will I live? Of course!
It is funny though. I'll admit it. I can laugh myself. I can laugh at the fact that when I try to do something romantic my car breaks down on a mountain side with no chance of rescue. I can laugh at myself as the unbelievably handsome man at Flying Star watches me tumble down the stairs while holding an order of Macaroni and Cheese. I even laughed at myself when I managed to pour an entire liter of Doctor Pepper on my pants in front of a boy who would eventually become my first boyfriend.
So, I know I'm an awkward, klutzy, humiliating excuse for a young gay man who might just be a tad too nerdy, but I always thought I was a kind of a sort of catch, and I know I'm going to do something klutzy tomorrow that ultimately could endanger me and many other people, but it wouldn't be a day in the life of me if I didn't.
You've broken up with me for varies reason. You say "You're just too good in bed for me." or "I think we have such a great friendship that we shouldn't risk anything." Really you're saying "You set my kitchen on fire. Please never speak to me again." or "You watch Doctor Who. Seriously, who watches that?"
I've screwed up more relationships, dates, flings, coffee's and lunches than you can really even begin to know though. One time I sat in utter silence while the cute boy across the star bucks coffee table tried his hardest to come up with something for the two of us to talk about, yet for some reason all he was really able to think about was "Dear god, when will this date be over?" And all I could think was, "IF you don't say something then this will be the most terribly awkward hour of your entire life. DEAR JESUS! Just say something! ANYTHING WILL DO!!!" I should have just said, "So this obviously isn't going to work out then."
I've dumped during Super Bad. That's right. DURING Super Bad. Not after the movie... During. That boy couldn't even make it through the entire movie (terrible movie by the way) to tell me that this was over. He leans over and begins to tell me just how over it is while the two idiots on screen make penis jokes.
It was today though that I believe I have hit an all time low. I'm not sure how, but I managed to fuck up a date before it even happened. It's like I preemptively cock blocked myself... Actually, this one shouldn't be my fault (KEYWORD: shouldn't). I did nothing wrong except flirt with a boy and ask him on a date or two. We never went on any of those dates. EVER. But today I was informed that there was a "rumor" that me and the previously mentioned boy had actually been seriously dating for a while now. At first I thought, "Hey, that's weird and funny and random and of course not true at all." After a while though I began to realize that this previously mentioned guy must have thought that I was psycho freak who was going around telling people that we were seriously dating. Which we were NOT for the record! Would I have liked to go to a movie or lunch or something? Yes, I would have. Did I? No. Will I? Well now I don't think I'm going to get to. Will I live? Of course!
It is funny though. I'll admit it. I can laugh myself. I can laugh at the fact that when I try to do something romantic my car breaks down on a mountain side with no chance of rescue. I can laugh at myself as the unbelievably handsome man at Flying Star watches me tumble down the stairs while holding an order of Macaroni and Cheese. I even laughed at myself when I managed to pour an entire liter of Doctor Pepper on my pants in front of a boy who would eventually become my first boyfriend.
So, I know I'm an awkward, klutzy, humiliating excuse for a young gay man who might just be a tad too nerdy, but I always thought I was a kind of a sort of catch, and I know I'm going to do something klutzy tomorrow that ultimately could endanger me and many other people, but it wouldn't be a day in the life of me if I didn't.
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