So, I was heading to bed. I was setting my alarms to go off in the morning and when that was done I headed to the bathroom to begin my daily and nightly oral hygiene routine.
Earlier today I had bought some more floss, seeing how I had run out a couple of days ago. I opened the new package and started flossing, and the only thought running through my head was, "Fuck, my teeth are too close together."
Maybe this floss just was thicker than past brands that I had used, but with every tooth it was harder and harder to get the floss down. I mean, what's wrong with me? Why should I have to be born with this freak set of teeth that are difficult to work with.
When I was a teenager I, like most others my age, had braces and not long after they came off, my teeth shifted despite the permanent retainer on my bottom teeth.
To this day I still look in the mirror and see my slightly crocked teeth. My mother always told me that no one notices that one tooth is a little behind the others except for me. And maybe there is truth to that, but still it bothers me.
Now this thought is a bit funny to me. In the face of what turned out to be a shitty weekend, I allowed my entire battle plan for sleep to be disturbed by this completely trivial thought.
How is it that when people suffer, they can still think of stupid shit.
I mean, for example. Take an average person. When this average person goes to a funeral why do they find themselves wishing that they hand worn a different pair of shoes.
How is it that after completely cutting someone from my life all I can think about is my teeth?
And why can I find the time to complain about how long Girl Scout Cookies take to arrive, when there is some I love who has cancer.
And why is it that on a school night, I can stay up late to update by blog which frankly is just flat out neglected.
... I'm pretty sure I'm just rambling.
You know, while we're on the topic of rambling I have another trivial thought for you. It seems every six months I get a big urge to get a tattoo and I put that as a facebook status. Something like "Michael-Ray Carter really wants a new tattoo." In fact that is what my status says right now. Or something like that at least.
I got on google and started looking at the tattoo I want in different fonts. Do you know how many fonts are out there? Too many it seems. A lot of the fonts are really dumb and what's more, the names for these fonts are just nuts. Lunasol.... What does that even mean? It really seems like there is a shortage of pretty fonts. Mature fonts too for that matter.
As I'm writing this I'm looking at fonts. About 99% of them are just silly. I've gone through maybe 400 fonts in the last hour and there has been maybe one or two that have made me say, well that wouldn't look too bad on you for the rest of your life.
Maybe I should find someone who just has really awesome hand writing who wants to write it out for me. Any takers? What about you Jean-Louise? You're a writer and a girl. That means your handwriting is perfect. Right?
I really need to go to bed.
Meh, somethings keeping me up. Don't know what. This morning I woke up complacent to say the least. Then I got in my car and put on some music and for a small moment I was realizing what it was like to just let things go. Maybe let the universe take care of things. I thought maybe you don't have to try so hard all the time. But I've always been someone whose tried too hard. I don't mean I try too hard in class or at work. I just put so much pressure on myself. I make a huge deal of things that maybe don't need to be a big deal at all. And maybe if I just let go of looking at my life as some kind of game that I'm losing then maybe things will be ok. And I don't know what happened, but in that small moment of letting go and just letting the universe be whatever it is and stop trying to control it, something happened. The universe threw me a bone. It threw that bone right around 12:25 PM
Do you ever have moments like that? Where you remember exactly where you were, and exactly what you were thinking at a certain moment. Maybe even remembering what time and date it was. Every once in a while I have a memory like that.
For example, it was February of 2008. It was my third week at UNM. I had just transferred from another school where I only spent one semester. I didn't know many people, other than a few friends from High School who went there now.
Anyway, I was sitting in the Popejoy Lobby with my introduction to sign Language book open. I was at this brownish green table which was honestly quite ugly. As I was sitting there a boy passed me who I had meet two weeks earlier. He was actually probably one of the first boys I meet at UNM. He was older than me and I was very young (well I still am I guess) and I was very wide eyed and I thought when we first meet we had been flirting. Turns out he was just being nice and helping the poor lost freshmen find his choir class.
Anyway, that's how we meet. I was desperately looking for class and he saw me in the hall and showed me to the room.
So back to my story. I was sitting at that table and he came and talked to me for just a minute. He said hi, and asked how I was liking the school and I just had this dorky crush on him so I tried to really make the conversation count. Needless to say though there was no exchange of numbers.
Now the reason I remember this story, is not because of this boy. I remember it because of the boy in the back ground. We'll call that person in the back ground Boy B and the one who talked to me who I had the crush on Boy A to avoid confusion. When A had broken away from B to come say hi to me B just stood where he was and waited for our conversation to be over and for his friend to come back so they could continue on their way to god knows where. And even though I was trying to make a connection with A, I kept looking over at B and wondering what there was to know about him. His name. where he was from. What his major was. and then eventually A went back to B and they left. and at the moment I thought nothing of it. A was an acquaintance and B was a downright stranger who I would likely never see again. And well about a year and a half later in the summer of 2009 B and I were dating.
Before we had started dating we had become very good friends through a series of random encounters and classes we happened to be taking. Actually he was probably the best gay male friend I had/have ever had in my life. We hung out all the time and we played video games constantly and we both ruined that friendship by dating each other. Ha.
Long story short, we broke up, which, for the record, was for the best. I just thought it was funny, because he thought that we had meet through class. Which is true. I didn't meet him formally till we had a class together, but I always remembered that moment in the lobby in 2008.
I have a whole handful of memories like that. Memories like when I shopped at an American Eagle and tried and failed to flirt with the boy behind the counter. Memories about when I was 15 years old and I was at a movie night with some friends and there was this annoying band nerd who had tagged along with us.
Or the time that I meet someone who came to one of my plays and even sent me a friend request on Facebook. I remember that one really well. It was March 28th, 2010. Around 2 oclock. The first time I saw him he was sitting in the front row of the audience and I'll never know why but he had this big smile on and I remember seeing that smile from stage and stopping in my tracks mid sentence and completely losing my train of thought.
Another time, I meet this guy in an ASL class whose name was Lucky. And I remember very clearly thinking, he would be really cute if he just got a fucking hair cut.
Hell, just a few weeks ago I remember going to school and realizing that I hadn't shaved. I figured it was alright. Who did I have to impress today? And well I had to eat those words because while I was standing in the green room this boy walked in who honestly would have been very worth impressing at that moment.
And when I was 18 I was working at JcPenny's and I got this horrible dye job that turned my whole head of hair (which was a lot at the time) into a bronze color and my co-worker Candice came in and all shift she was saying the nicest things about it. See there was one memory that wasn't about a boy.
What's funny though, is that those memories, they're just memories. At the end of the day how precious is a memory? Is it something we need to cling to with dear life? Or is should it be celebrated? Or are some better left forgotten? And how is it that memories that define us as people and or even as humans take up about as much room in our minds as the thoughts that we have about our teeth?
P.S.
I think I'm going to try to start cursing less. I kind of want to be a better person. I don't know if that will help or is even necessary to be being a "better" person, but I figured it would be nice if I could put some thoughts more eloquently.
Oh and one last thing. Thanks for reading. I think I came off a bit ditsy in this one and I feel I even came off as boy crazy, mourning all my failed relationships and dating attempts. I don't feel like that right now. I was just kind of observing some of my past memories that always seem to stick out for god knows why.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Chapter 8: Picking Up
*I have not written a blog since April I believe. I tried a couple of times, but I saw that I was low on subject matter. I figured no one was missing the blog so letting it go was probably not a big deal at all. However after talking to my friend Jenni W. I thought it would be fun to start this up again.
So here is the approaching dilemma. I want to continue with my "life story" from where I left off, but a lot of stuff has happened in 2010. In fact more happened in this year than I ever planned on. So, I do plan on addressing what has happened in 2010 once I catch up to it.
So! I had just come out to my best friend Taylor when we left off, which went very. That was the summer of 2007. Now a month or two prior to the start of that summer, our humble show choir was on tour in California. We would be performing at the Heritage Festival and would get to spend a day or two in Disney Land. It was turning out to be fun trip and we even won first at the festival.
Now on the train ride back to NM, my friends and I ended up staying up late and hanging out on the lower floor of the train. We laughed and celebrated our victory and as time went on, one by one, each of us walked back to our seats upstairs to get some sleep until there was only two people left down stairs. A boy named Colin and myself. Colin was a Sophomore at the time, so he was a bit younger than the majority of my friends in High School, but he was a friend non-the-less. Now the two of us ended up talking until it was shockingly early in the morning. This turned out to the first intimate moment I had ever had with a boy. No, we didn't do anything. We didn't even kiss, but it really seemed to be a nice moment that wasn't purely platonic and that was the first time I had had something like that.
A month later the two of us ended up kissing and after a little more time went on we realized that we had about nothing in common!!! We talked about us being in a relationship, but we just didn't work in that way. At all! It was nice having him to relate with on that night and he was my first "real" kiss and I'll always treasure that. We never were boyfriends despite the fact that we kinda talked about it from time to time. We were just each others first "almost boyfriend" and that was/is an important thing to have.
Now the story of my first boyfriend is one much longer and has yet to come up in this little blog of my life. So you'll just have to be patient for that one.
P.S.
I don't know if the next post after this one will be chapter 9 or not. We'll see when we get there :)
So here is the approaching dilemma. I want to continue with my "life story" from where I left off, but a lot of stuff has happened in 2010. In fact more happened in this year than I ever planned on. So, I do plan on addressing what has happened in 2010 once I catch up to it.
So! I had just come out to my best friend Taylor when we left off, which went very. That was the summer of 2007. Now a month or two prior to the start of that summer, our humble show choir was on tour in California. We would be performing at the Heritage Festival and would get to spend a day or two in Disney Land. It was turning out to be fun trip and we even won first at the festival.
Now on the train ride back to NM, my friends and I ended up staying up late and hanging out on the lower floor of the train. We laughed and celebrated our victory and as time went on, one by one, each of us walked back to our seats upstairs to get some sleep until there was only two people left down stairs. A boy named Colin and myself. Colin was a Sophomore at the time, so he was a bit younger than the majority of my friends in High School, but he was a friend non-the-less. Now the two of us ended up talking until it was shockingly early in the morning. This turned out to the first intimate moment I had ever had with a boy. No, we didn't do anything. We didn't even kiss, but it really seemed to be a nice moment that wasn't purely platonic and that was the first time I had had something like that.
A month later the two of us ended up kissing and after a little more time went on we realized that we had about nothing in common!!! We talked about us being in a relationship, but we just didn't work in that way. At all! It was nice having him to relate with on that night and he was my first "real" kiss and I'll always treasure that. We never were boyfriends despite the fact that we kinda talked about it from time to time. We were just each others first "almost boyfriend" and that was/is an important thing to have.
Now the story of my first boyfriend is one much longer and has yet to come up in this little blog of my life. So you'll just have to be patient for that one.
P.S.
I don't know if the next post after this one will be chapter 9 or not. We'll see when we get there :)
Monday, April 5, 2010
I'm Materialistic and Insane: Part 2
So a couple weeks ago I was feeling a bit down. Dark Play was coming quickly to close at the time and oddly that was one of the few things I used to maintain my small amount of sanity. So I had a bit of money laying around that didn't need to be invested and I figured I need new shoes.
I haled myself to the mall and went to a couple different stores... (Oh, quick side note, I bought some light green underwear at A.E.... Sad right?) I found myself in the Vans store first. There were some awesome purple vans on the self that were a bit too much out of my price range, but were a good possibility. I went to Journeys and looked at the converse. I've always wanted some converse, but not high tops. Not for me anyway. I asked if they had any purple converse and of course they responded with, "Yes we do, but only in high tops."
"Ok, let me just try on the green low tops in a 7." I don't really wear a 7, but converse run really big. Trust me, I used to sell them. You always want to get them in the next size down. They wear a perfect fit of course, but I wanted to keep looking. Eventually, I found my purple converse at a store whose name I really wish I could remember right now. Once there though the salesmen convinced to buy socks, which were on sale and some shoe cleaner.
On the way home I remembered that I needed to make some practical purchases: deodorant, some razors, and body wash. Pretty basic stuff, right? You would think so, but turns out I can't even buy those things sanely. I sat looking at the Fusion razors outraged that they wanted $15 for five little razors! I love the brand because I've never gotten a closer shave with the least amount of irritation, but this is crazy. Eventually, I begrudgingly put the razors in my basket. I hate shaving though. I can't believe I have to buy this stuff to do something I hate! I mean I don't want to grow facial hair or anything, but it's so time consuming and it can be a bit uncomfortable. It's always the worst part of my day.
"Who do these people think they are? Charging me this much for razors. I think it's about time there was a more sound solution to hair removal. I mean we don't need anything totally permanent, but I shouldn't have to shave every day and… well maintain other areas a few times a week, if you know what I mean. It seems there are no good solutions anymore. Laser therapy cost so much and can be damaging to your skins, hair removing chemicals can actually burn your skin, and lets face it, no one has time to go threw the hour long process of waxing… I don’t do any of those for the record. Ahem. But seriously it is 2010 and we are still using our old grandfathers method of hair removal. It’s ridiculous.”
I went to look at the body washes and the deodorants. Suddenly I found myself having a flash back. July of 2007, when I was working in men’s shoe department at JcPenny. I found that I had recognized one of my co-workers as an Eldorado High graduate. His name was Steven and he was this tall red head who was so far from my type it was ridiculous. He had a beard. I’m never attracted to guys with beards, but this time it was different.
Anyway, the one reason I feel for him so hard wasn’t the fact that he had this really cool nerdy vibe going, which normally works well for me. What sealed the deal was how he smelled. He smelled like heaven…. I’m not creepy I promise. It was just a very cramped department and everyone could smell everyone without trying. Finally, one day, someone asked why he smelled so good. “Well the truth is I use really girly shampoos and deodorants.”
After remembering that brief moment I thought, “What the hell? Let’s try his method.” I smelt numerous body washes and shampoos and deodorants. Of course all of the deodorants smelt too strong and over powering and of course the new scents they are coming out with in soap is getting ridiculous. I remember thinking that I wanted something that smelled natural and fruity (Don’t make any Gay jokes, it’s too easy). The only fruit sentenced body wash was cranberry. No one want to smell like a cranberry. It’s just weird. Cranberry’s smell and taste good for about a second and then you are left with this bitter after taste, or in this case smell, that stings almost. All the other soaps were candy scented, which to me just seemed gross. Why would any want to have caramel scented soap? Do they want people to just follow them around and say, “Hm, you smell like you just feel on a candy apple and got it in your hair!”
After a while of getting nowhere I caved and bought my standard soap and my standard deodorant and went home. Now you have a small window into my insane mind when it comes to shopping. Thank god I got out of working in retail.
I haled myself to the mall and went to a couple different stores... (Oh, quick side note, I bought some light green underwear at A.E.... Sad right?) I found myself in the Vans store first. There were some awesome purple vans on the self that were a bit too much out of my price range, but were a good possibility. I went to Journeys and looked at the converse. I've always wanted some converse, but not high tops. Not for me anyway. I asked if they had any purple converse and of course they responded with, "Yes we do, but only in high tops."
"Ok, let me just try on the green low tops in a 7." I don't really wear a 7, but converse run really big. Trust me, I used to sell them. You always want to get them in the next size down. They wear a perfect fit of course, but I wanted to keep looking. Eventually, I found my purple converse at a store whose name I really wish I could remember right now. Once there though the salesmen convinced to buy socks, which were on sale and some shoe cleaner.
On the way home I remembered that I needed to make some practical purchases: deodorant, some razors, and body wash. Pretty basic stuff, right? You would think so, but turns out I can't even buy those things sanely. I sat looking at the Fusion razors outraged that they wanted $15 for five little razors! I love the brand because I've never gotten a closer shave with the least amount of irritation, but this is crazy. Eventually, I begrudgingly put the razors in my basket. I hate shaving though. I can't believe I have to buy this stuff to do something I hate! I mean I don't want to grow facial hair or anything, but it's so time consuming and it can be a bit uncomfortable. It's always the worst part of my day.
"Who do these people think they are? Charging me this much for razors. I think it's about time there was a more sound solution to hair removal. I mean we don't need anything totally permanent, but I shouldn't have to shave every day and… well maintain other areas a few times a week, if you know what I mean. It seems there are no good solutions anymore. Laser therapy cost so much and can be damaging to your skins, hair removing chemicals can actually burn your skin, and lets face it, no one has time to go threw the hour long process of waxing… I don’t do any of those for the record. Ahem. But seriously it is 2010 and we are still using our old grandfathers method of hair removal. It’s ridiculous.”
I went to look at the body washes and the deodorants. Suddenly I found myself having a flash back. July of 2007, when I was working in men’s shoe department at JcPenny. I found that I had recognized one of my co-workers as an Eldorado High graduate. His name was Steven and he was this tall red head who was so far from my type it was ridiculous. He had a beard. I’m never attracted to guys with beards, but this time it was different.
Anyway, the one reason I feel for him so hard wasn’t the fact that he had this really cool nerdy vibe going, which normally works well for me. What sealed the deal was how he smelled. He smelled like heaven…. I’m not creepy I promise. It was just a very cramped department and everyone could smell everyone without trying. Finally, one day, someone asked why he smelled so good. “Well the truth is I use really girly shampoos and deodorants.”
After remembering that brief moment I thought, “What the hell? Let’s try his method.” I smelt numerous body washes and shampoos and deodorants. Of course all of the deodorants smelt too strong and over powering and of course the new scents they are coming out with in soap is getting ridiculous. I remember thinking that I wanted something that smelled natural and fruity (Don’t make any Gay jokes, it’s too easy). The only fruit sentenced body wash was cranberry. No one want to smell like a cranberry. It’s just weird. Cranberry’s smell and taste good for about a second and then you are left with this bitter after taste, or in this case smell, that stings almost. All the other soaps were candy scented, which to me just seemed gross. Why would any want to have caramel scented soap? Do they want people to just follow them around and say, “Hm, you smell like you just feel on a candy apple and got it in your hair!”
After a while of getting nowhere I caved and bought my standard soap and my standard deodorant and went home. Now you have a small window into my insane mind when it comes to shopping. Thank god I got out of working in retail.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I'm Materialistic and Insane: Part 1
Many people already know this about me. I'm very materialistic. I put a high value on things. I like it this way. Now it's not like I love going out and getting expensive art or high tech gadgets. Other than an Ipod or my Laptop most of my tech stuff is pretty basic. I can't work HD stuff. I don't have time to get the full use out of an Xbox 360 or a PS3 so I don't have one. Even my stereo is pretty dinkey.
Now when it comes to clothing, that's where my materialism comes in. I substitute love with new clothing constantly. I know it's wrong, but whenever I feel alone I shop. It makes me happy for a little bit to have something new and exciting and makes me feel good about myself. So I find myself shopping from time to time.
Then, when I'm dating someone and I think it's going well (operative word being "think") I find myself thinking pretty quickly that he's probably seen me in all my cloths and (let's be honest) all my underwear too. So in response to this thought, that has been slowly growing deep in the corner of my mind, I do what? I end up shopping for more cloths. Really, it's all a very vicious cycle.
Here's a small glimpse into my mind from just a few weeks ago. At the time I was dating someone and we were well... at a point in our relationship where we were not official, but were having intimate moments... Ok, fine. We were having sex. Not the point though! Anyway, I found myself thinking the following, "Well he's probably seen all of my cute underwear already. And I don't want to just wear regular blacks boxer briefs around him. He's going to think I only own five pairs of underwear. I should go out and buy a pair or two. AND hey! I'm having sex again. Now is when I should be buying cute underwear. It just makes economic sense."
Yes, when it comes to clothing I think I'm an economic genius. At least that's what I tell myself so that I can make up some kind of reason to buy clothing.
I went to the mall. Popped into one of my favorite stores known as American Eagle, (don't hate) and took a short look around. While there I stopped and said to myself, "You know, I'm really tired of my brown coat. Sure it's cute, but i think it might be too heavy for the current weather. I should look at some light coats. Maybe in tan? You don't own anything in tan."
So in addition to looking at the underwear I tried on a sweater or two. I found a lovely red pull over that wasn't covered in eagles and it was actually on sale. 50% off in fact! I tried it on. "Jesus, I'm cute in dark colors. How can anyone stand to be around me? I'm too pretty."
I came out of the changing room and began looking at the underwear. I found a bunch of boxer briefs and trunks that I really liked. A few in nice solid greens, a few blue ones, and a beautiful set of deep purple boxer briefs. I picked from those and went up to the register.
There was a very long line, which was odd considering I was there in the middle of the day. "Really?! It's 2 o'clock. Shouldn't these people be at work or school? Well I guess these people are thinking the same thing about me... You know, it's early March. Do I really need this red sweater? I mean sure it's cute and I could always wear it on the occasional cold day, but would it get enough use to justify the price? I guess I could always keep wearing it next winter, but what if I'm sick of it by then? I should put the sweater back. You know Michael-Ray, since you're putting it back you could probably afford some socks. Look there are some grey socks that are cute and would fit you. Geez, why is the eagle on the sock so big?"
I got back in line and remembered that I needed to check the price of the socks. After all, you can't just drop socks on a register with out knowing how much you are paying for them, right? "15 DOLLARS!? REALLY? Come on! They are just socks. It's like I'm paying for a giant eagle on some cotton. I'll just go to Target and get the exact same thing minus an eagle."
That's when I came to a revelation.
"This underwear isn't my size. I mean it would fit, but it would be a bit big and might bunch with some of my tighter jeans. Do they have smalls?... Son of a bitch. Of course they don't. They never do. No one ever does. I'm going to go somewhere that does... Not Aeropostal. Every now and then the might have something cute, but most of their stuff is too '16 years old' and falls apart in the wash... Do I really want to go to Express? It's way to expensive, and I don't really think I look good in Express cloths. I feel like I'm posing as someone else. Well, it's just underwear. Let's just check it out."
After having a ten minute battle in my mind about what to do with my minor underwear crisis, all the while just standing in line at A.E. I figured it was time to put the underwear down and leave the store. I went down the hall and made it to the Express and went straight to the mens underwear section. I didn't want to be distracted. Even though I'm not a huge Express fan I will occasionally find something I love, especially if I find myself in the Tie section... Oh I have a bad soft spot for ties. *HINT* Birthday coming up by the way. If you don't know what to get me, a cute tie is always in season. Anyway I looked and I saw the underwear. "DAMN IT! Nothing! It's all Mediums. And these blue ones are so cute. I've always wanted light blue underwear. This isn't fair. Wait, that's a small. Hm, it's red. I don't have any red underwear. This could be fun. HOLD UP! Dark purple under wear with black strips. Really? They are so cute. But you do already have purple underwear. You should mix it up and get the red ones........ Oh my god. The underwear is buy one get one half off........ It's fate."
Yeah. I know I have a sick obsession. OH! Here's the best part. So I bought the underwear and Trevor dumped me... "But, you can't break up with me. I just bought new underwear. Don't you understand how big a deal that is?" Fucking really? I really got dumped again. I mean, I'm by no means depressed that I no longer have this guy. I'm fine with that actually. I'm just bitter I got dumped a couple days after I bought new underwear and I didn't even get to use it. So now the underwear just sits there mocking me saying, "Haha you got dumped again!"... It doesn't really talk to me. I'm not crazy, I promise.
Now when it comes to clothing, that's where my materialism comes in. I substitute love with new clothing constantly. I know it's wrong, but whenever I feel alone I shop. It makes me happy for a little bit to have something new and exciting and makes me feel good about myself. So I find myself shopping from time to time.
Then, when I'm dating someone and I think it's going well (operative word being "think") I find myself thinking pretty quickly that he's probably seen me in all my cloths and (let's be honest) all my underwear too. So in response to this thought, that has been slowly growing deep in the corner of my mind, I do what? I end up shopping for more cloths. Really, it's all a very vicious cycle.
Here's a small glimpse into my mind from just a few weeks ago. At the time I was dating someone and we were well... at a point in our relationship where we were not official, but were having intimate moments... Ok, fine. We were having sex. Not the point though! Anyway, I found myself thinking the following, "Well he's probably seen all of my cute underwear already. And I don't want to just wear regular blacks boxer briefs around him. He's going to think I only own five pairs of underwear. I should go out and buy a pair or two. AND hey! I'm having sex again. Now is when I should be buying cute underwear. It just makes economic sense."
Yes, when it comes to clothing I think I'm an economic genius. At least that's what I tell myself so that I can make up some kind of reason to buy clothing.
I went to the mall. Popped into one of my favorite stores known as American Eagle, (don't hate) and took a short look around. While there I stopped and said to myself, "You know, I'm really tired of my brown coat. Sure it's cute, but i think it might be too heavy for the current weather. I should look at some light coats. Maybe in tan? You don't own anything in tan."
So in addition to looking at the underwear I tried on a sweater or two. I found a lovely red pull over that wasn't covered in eagles and it was actually on sale. 50% off in fact! I tried it on. "Jesus, I'm cute in dark colors. How can anyone stand to be around me? I'm too pretty."
I came out of the changing room and began looking at the underwear. I found a bunch of boxer briefs and trunks that I really liked. A few in nice solid greens, a few blue ones, and a beautiful set of deep purple boxer briefs. I picked from those and went up to the register.
There was a very long line, which was odd considering I was there in the middle of the day. "Really?! It's 2 o'clock. Shouldn't these people be at work or school? Well I guess these people are thinking the same thing about me... You know, it's early March. Do I really need this red sweater? I mean sure it's cute and I could always wear it on the occasional cold day, but would it get enough use to justify the price? I guess I could always keep wearing it next winter, but what if I'm sick of it by then? I should put the sweater back. You know Michael-Ray, since you're putting it back you could probably afford some socks. Look there are some grey socks that are cute and would fit you. Geez, why is the eagle on the sock so big?"
I got back in line and remembered that I needed to check the price of the socks. After all, you can't just drop socks on a register with out knowing how much you are paying for them, right? "15 DOLLARS!? REALLY? Come on! They are just socks. It's like I'm paying for a giant eagle on some cotton. I'll just go to Target and get the exact same thing minus an eagle."
That's when I came to a revelation.
"This underwear isn't my size. I mean it would fit, but it would be a bit big and might bunch with some of my tighter jeans. Do they have smalls?... Son of a bitch. Of course they don't. They never do. No one ever does. I'm going to go somewhere that does... Not Aeropostal. Every now and then the might have something cute, but most of their stuff is too '16 years old' and falls apart in the wash... Do I really want to go to Express? It's way to expensive, and I don't really think I look good in Express cloths. I feel like I'm posing as someone else. Well, it's just underwear. Let's just check it out."
After having a ten minute battle in my mind about what to do with my minor underwear crisis, all the while just standing in line at A.E. I figured it was time to put the underwear down and leave the store. I went down the hall and made it to the Express and went straight to the mens underwear section. I didn't want to be distracted. Even though I'm not a huge Express fan I will occasionally find something I love, especially if I find myself in the Tie section... Oh I have a bad soft spot for ties. *HINT* Birthday coming up by the way. If you don't know what to get me, a cute tie is always in season. Anyway I looked and I saw the underwear. "DAMN IT! Nothing! It's all Mediums. And these blue ones are so cute. I've always wanted light blue underwear. This isn't fair. Wait, that's a small. Hm, it's red. I don't have any red underwear. This could be fun. HOLD UP! Dark purple under wear with black strips. Really? They are so cute. But you do already have purple underwear. You should mix it up and get the red ones........ Oh my god. The underwear is buy one get one half off........ It's fate."
Yeah. I know I have a sick obsession. OH! Here's the best part. So I bought the underwear and Trevor dumped me... "But, you can't break up with me. I just bought new underwear. Don't you understand how big a deal that is?" Fucking really? I really got dumped again. I mean, I'm by no means depressed that I no longer have this guy. I'm fine with that actually. I'm just bitter I got dumped a couple days after I bought new underwear and I didn't even get to use it. So now the underwear just sits there mocking me saying, "Haha you got dumped again!"... It doesn't really talk to me. I'm not crazy, I promise.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Chapter 7
Coming out of the closet was surprisingly easy. On one hand, I'm sure it was because was because it wasn't exactly the worlds best kept secret. But at the same time it was so easy because the few people I had told didn't ever pressure me to keep telling people.
After I told Jean-Louise that I was gay she reacted oddly to say the least.
"Michael are fucking kidding me?"
"Um, no."
"Because if you are kidding, I'm going to come over to your house and kick the shit out of you. If you aren't kidding then I love and support you."
"Yeah... I'm not kidding." Apparently kidding about your sexuality to Jeanie was something you didn't want to do.
We stayed up all night talking. For the first time in my life I felt like I was being my self. We talked about my feelings and how I was going to go about coming out for a little bit for the most part we just talked as friends. We talked about the boys we liked, which for me was a very big deal, what we would wear, and how we wanted to do our hair. You know... girl talk! I had never had a conversation so at ease.
Me and Jeanie got closer and closer. We began having code words about gay topics when we were infront of our friends. People began to notice that we had become very close, and a few even began to wonder what was up. Our friend Emily Strongin was a good example of this. She knew better than to think that the two of us were dating, but she was starting to wonder. So one by one we began to tell the others.
One day at a Starbucks I told my friend Katie Walker. She pretended to be surprised and I feel for it. It was very sweet.
A month or so later I told the previously mentiod Emily too.
"AW! I didn't realize you were..... fluffy."
That's right. she called me Fluffy. I had never heard of someone gay being refereed to as Fluffy.
It wasn't long until I had to tell Taylor. My best straight male friend. Honestly I wasn't friends with many boys in high school. Also I didn't give a shit what any of the boys thought of my sexuality, but telling T was going to be different. Every girl I told was more than fine and many loved me more for it, but normally the straight boys didn't know how to handle a gay guy. I cared what Taylor thought and I was pretty sure he would be fine, but he was still a straight boy.
Never the less though, he didn't care. He said it didn't ever change anything and that it never would.
There were still a couple more people to tell, but that is for another chapter.
After I told Jean-Louise that I was gay she reacted oddly to say the least.
"Michael are fucking kidding me?"
"Um, no."
"Because if you are kidding, I'm going to come over to your house and kick the shit out of you. If you aren't kidding then I love and support you."
"Yeah... I'm not kidding." Apparently kidding about your sexuality to Jeanie was something you didn't want to do.
We stayed up all night talking. For the first time in my life I felt like I was being my self. We talked about my feelings and how I was going to go about coming out for a little bit for the most part we just talked as friends. We talked about the boys we liked, which for me was a very big deal, what we would wear, and how we wanted to do our hair. You know... girl talk! I had never had a conversation so at ease.
Me and Jeanie got closer and closer. We began having code words about gay topics when we were infront of our friends. People began to notice that we had become very close, and a few even began to wonder what was up. Our friend Emily Strongin was a good example of this. She knew better than to think that the two of us were dating, but she was starting to wonder. So one by one we began to tell the others.
One day at a Starbucks I told my friend Katie Walker. She pretended to be surprised and I feel for it. It was very sweet.
A month or so later I told the previously mentiod Emily too.
"AW! I didn't realize you were..... fluffy."
That's right. she called me Fluffy. I had never heard of someone gay being refereed to as Fluffy.
It wasn't long until I had to tell Taylor. My best straight male friend. Honestly I wasn't friends with many boys in high school. Also I didn't give a shit what any of the boys thought of my sexuality, but telling T was going to be different. Every girl I told was more than fine and many loved me more for it, but normally the straight boys didn't know how to handle a gay guy. I cared what Taylor thought and I was pretty sure he would be fine, but he was still a straight boy.
Never the less though, he didn't care. He said it didn't ever change anything and that it never would.
There were still a couple more people to tell, but that is for another chapter.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Chapter 6: Untitled Chapter
Today's blog is brought to you by, "I CAN'T SLEEP: Ruining Your Rest for 21 Years and Counting"
My friends were always there for me in high school even though I often thought they weren't. I trusted very few people even though many of the people I didn't trust actually dissevered my trust the whole time. In fact in my Junior year I ended up turning to one of the last people I ever thought I would.
Jean-Louise Zancanella was a good friend. In the previous blog entrees she had been referred to as a Frienemie. Maybe that is how our relationship started, but in all honesty that was my fault. I was so annoying in my Freshmen year of high school I would have hated me.
As time went on I grew to really like Jean-Louise. I'm pretty sure (or at least I hope) she grew to like too. One day in the fall of my Junior year, which I guess was towards the end of 2005, I was at Luminaria bag folding party at Jeanie's house. The reason for the party by the way, was to make Luminaria's and sell them to raise money for the choir. As the party came to a close I turned to Jeanie and said I had to tell her something. To this day I still don't know why I said that, but it was the right thing to do. She said, "Alright. What's up?"
"Actually, how about we do this later? I'm actually kind of tired and should go home."
"...Okay."
I wasn't tired. I chickened out.
Later that night Jeanie called me.
"Hey, is everything okay Michael?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"Well you just were acting funny today at the party. What did you want to tell me?"
"Oh honestly, I totally forgot. It must have not been that important."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive."
"Alright Michael. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Ditto. Have good night."
Why was I such a pussy? I couldn't even tell this person, who had become so close to me in the past 2 and a half years, what I was feeling..... Ok, I know it sounds like I'm about to confess my undying love for Jean-Lousie at this point in the story, but trust me. That isn't where this is going.
About an hour later, I realized that I had nothing to be afraid of. There was no reason to lie. Least of all to Jeanie. I was being stupid. So I picked up the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Jeanie! Guess what!? I'm gay!"
My friends were always there for me in high school even though I often thought they weren't. I trusted very few people even though many of the people I didn't trust actually dissevered my trust the whole time. In fact in my Junior year I ended up turning to one of the last people I ever thought I would.
Jean-Louise Zancanella was a good friend. In the previous blog entrees she had been referred to as a Frienemie. Maybe that is how our relationship started, but in all honesty that was my fault. I was so annoying in my Freshmen year of high school I would have hated me.
As time went on I grew to really like Jean-Louise. I'm pretty sure (or at least I hope) she grew to like too. One day in the fall of my Junior year, which I guess was towards the end of 2005, I was at Luminaria bag folding party at Jeanie's house. The reason for the party by the way, was to make Luminaria's and sell them to raise money for the choir. As the party came to a close I turned to Jeanie and said I had to tell her something. To this day I still don't know why I said that, but it was the right thing to do. She said, "Alright. What's up?"
"Actually, how about we do this later? I'm actually kind of tired and should go home."
"...Okay."
I wasn't tired. I chickened out.
Later that night Jeanie called me.
"Hey, is everything okay Michael?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"Well you just were acting funny today at the party. What did you want to tell me?"
"Oh honestly, I totally forgot. It must have not been that important."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive."
"Alright Michael. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Ditto. Have good night."
Why was I such a pussy? I couldn't even tell this person, who had become so close to me in the past 2 and a half years, what I was feeling..... Ok, I know it sounds like I'm about to confess my undying love for Jean-Lousie at this point in the story, but trust me. That isn't where this is going.
About an hour later, I realized that I had nothing to be afraid of. There was no reason to lie. Least of all to Jeanie. I was being stupid. So I picked up the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Jeanie! Guess what!? I'm gay!"
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Chapter 5: High School Theatre
I had several goals in high school. Nearly all of them included scratching and clawing my way to the top of the Drama department at Eldorado High. In my freshmen year I was signed up for drama 1. This was a decision I soon came to regret. The class was taught by someone who I feel wasn’t really qualified to teach the class… That is such an understatement of how I really feel about that class, but this is not a place for me to rip on a person profession. As the story goes, I dropped out of the class after the first semester.
One year later though my choir teacher Clarissa Clark teamed up with the previously mentioned drama teacher to put on the musical Joseph and the Amazing Techni-Colored Dream Coat, which is possibly the worst musical ever written. It was fun though. I’m really stretching the definition of the word “fun” here by the way. I was cast as the Elvis impersonating Pharaoh… God, you can tell how bad this show was simply by the list of roles.
So as time went by the drama teacher began to vanish from Eldorado High. Rumors went through the school surrounding his removal, but nothing official was ever said. Nonetheless a teacher from Hoover middle school who was nothing short of great replaced him. Mr. Raison was an amazing teacher and he put on great shows. He too teamed up with Clarissa Clark to put on a musical, but this time it didn’t suck. I was cast in their rendition of Guys and Dolls as Nicely-Nicely Johnson and was able to act alongside two of my favorite people in the world Jenni Walkowiak and Jean-Louise Zancanella, who by this point was a friend and not a frienemy. I think the three of us were pretty awesome in that show, just sayin!
Guys and Dolls is what propelled me to pursue a career in musical theatre, even though at the time I didn’t realize it. I don’t think that made sense when written down, but it’s true. It was Clarissa Clark who highly encouraged me to continue pursue theatre as a career and study it in college, which was quickly approaching. I just couldn’t see how anyone could want to do theatre as something professional at that time in my life. I just saw it as this fun thing that I did on the side.
At that time, what I really wanted to do was write for films. I had been taking a film class at Eldorado High and I loved it. I had been taking private editng classes downtown at the film studios and I had also been cranking out a number of small independent films and I won’t lie, for a high school student a couple of them were really good. I had to work on a number of films for the class that essentially were dorky news shows that we so lovingly called the “Weekly Show”. I hated that show. What I really loved was directing and editing the works I had written or had a hand in writing. I also worked directly with the teacher, Kenneth Wimmer, as a mentor to the younger students and often helped the students figure out the soft ware. I was so consumed by film and it rocked. My two favorite projects were a set of music videos titled “Good Enough” and “Your Rain”.
I’ve gotten off track. The point is I liked theatre a lot in high school, but I was very focused on other things at the time. Still I guess what I’m trying to say is that if I didn’t sort of play around in theatre then I would probably still be a film major.
One year later though my choir teacher Clarissa Clark teamed up with the previously mentioned drama teacher to put on the musical Joseph and the Amazing Techni-Colored Dream Coat, which is possibly the worst musical ever written. It was fun though. I’m really stretching the definition of the word “fun” here by the way. I was cast as the Elvis impersonating Pharaoh… God, you can tell how bad this show was simply by the list of roles.
So as time went by the drama teacher began to vanish from Eldorado High. Rumors went through the school surrounding his removal, but nothing official was ever said. Nonetheless a teacher from Hoover middle school who was nothing short of great replaced him. Mr. Raison was an amazing teacher and he put on great shows. He too teamed up with Clarissa Clark to put on a musical, but this time it didn’t suck. I was cast in their rendition of Guys and Dolls as Nicely-Nicely Johnson and was able to act alongside two of my favorite people in the world Jenni Walkowiak and Jean-Louise Zancanella, who by this point was a friend and not a frienemy. I think the three of us were pretty awesome in that show, just sayin!
Guys and Dolls is what propelled me to pursue a career in musical theatre, even though at the time I didn’t realize it. I don’t think that made sense when written down, but it’s true. It was Clarissa Clark who highly encouraged me to continue pursue theatre as a career and study it in college, which was quickly approaching. I just couldn’t see how anyone could want to do theatre as something professional at that time in my life. I just saw it as this fun thing that I did on the side.
At that time, what I really wanted to do was write for films. I had been taking a film class at Eldorado High and I loved it. I had been taking private editng classes downtown at the film studios and I had also been cranking out a number of small independent films and I won’t lie, for a high school student a couple of them were really good. I had to work on a number of films for the class that essentially were dorky news shows that we so lovingly called the “Weekly Show”. I hated that show. What I really loved was directing and editing the works I had written or had a hand in writing. I also worked directly with the teacher, Kenneth Wimmer, as a mentor to the younger students and often helped the students figure out the soft ware. I was so consumed by film and it rocked. My two favorite projects were a set of music videos titled “Good Enough” and “Your Rain”.
I’ve gotten off track. The point is I liked theatre a lot in high school, but I was very focused on other things at the time. Still I guess what I’m trying to say is that if I didn’t sort of play around in theatre then I would probably still be a film major.
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