I'm Materialistic and Insane: Part 1

Many people already know this about me. I'm very materialistic. I put a high value on things. I like it this way. Now it's not like I love going out and getting expensive art or high tech gadgets. Other than an Ipod or my Laptop most of my tech stuff is pretty basic. I can't work HD stuff. I don't have time to get the full use out of an Xbox 360 or a PS3 so I don't have one. Even my stereo is pretty dinkey.

Now when it comes to clothing, that's where my materialism comes in. I substitute love with new clothing constantly. I know it's wrong, but whenever I feel alone I shop. It makes me happy for a little bit to have something new and exciting and makes me feel good about myself. So I find myself shopping from time to time.

Then, when I'm dating someone and I think it's going well (operative word being "think") I find myself thinking pretty quickly that he's probably seen me in all my cloths and (let's be honest) all my underwear too. So in response to this thought, that has been slowly growing deep in the corner of my mind, I do what? I end up shopping for more cloths. Really, it's all a very vicious cycle.

Here's a small glimpse into my mind from just a few weeks ago. At the time I was dating someone and we were well... at a point in our relationship where we were not official, but were having intimate moments... Ok, fine. We were having sex. Not the point though! Anyway, I found myself thinking the following, "Well he's probably seen all of my cute underwear already. And I don't want to just wear regular blacks boxer briefs around him. He's going to think I only own five pairs of underwear. I should go out and buy a pair or two. AND hey! I'm having sex again. Now is when I should be buying cute underwear. It just makes economic sense."

Yes, when it comes to clothing I think I'm an economic genius. At least that's what I tell myself so that I can make up some kind of reason to buy clothing.

I went to the mall. Popped into one of my favorite stores known as American Eagle, (don't hate) and took a short look around. While there I stopped and said to myself, "You know, I'm really tired of my brown coat. Sure it's cute, but i think it might be too heavy for the current weather. I should look at some light coats. Maybe in tan? You don't own anything in tan."

So in addition to looking at the underwear I tried on a sweater or two. I found a lovely red pull over that wasn't covered in eagles and it was actually on sale. 50% off in fact! I tried it on. "Jesus, I'm cute in dark colors. How can anyone stand to be around me? I'm too pretty."

I came out of the changing room and began looking at the underwear. I found a bunch of boxer briefs and trunks that I really liked. A few in nice solid greens, a few blue ones, and a beautiful set of deep purple boxer briefs. I picked from those and went up to the register.

There was a very long line, which was odd considering I was there in the middle of the day. "Really?! It's 2 o'clock. Shouldn't these people be at work or school? Well I guess these people are thinking the same thing about me... You know, it's early March. Do I really need this red sweater? I mean sure it's cute and I could always wear it on the occasional cold day, but would it get enough use to justify the price? I guess I could always keep wearing it next winter, but what if I'm sick of it by then? I should put the sweater back. You know Michael-Ray, since you're putting it back you could probably afford some socks. Look there are some grey socks that are cute and would fit you. Geez, why is the eagle on the sock so big?"

I got back in line and remembered that I needed to check the price of the socks. After all, you can't just drop socks on a register with out knowing how much you are paying for them, right? "15 DOLLARS!? REALLY? Come on! They are just socks. It's like I'm paying for a giant eagle on some cotton. I'll just go to Target and get the exact same thing minus an eagle."

That's when I came to a revelation.

"This underwear isn't my size. I mean it would fit, but it would be a bit big and might bunch with some of my tighter jeans. Do they have smalls?... Son of a bitch. Of course they don't. They never do. No one ever does. I'm going to go somewhere that does... Not Aeropostal. Every now and then the might have something cute, but most of their stuff is too '16 years old' and falls apart in the wash... Do I really want to go to Express? It's way to expensive, and I don't really think I look good in Express cloths. I feel like I'm posing as someone else. Well, it's just underwear. Let's just check it out."

After having a ten minute battle in my mind about what to do with my minor underwear crisis, all the while just standing in line at A.E. I figured it was time to put the underwear down and leave the store. I went down the hall and made it to the Express and went straight to the mens underwear section. I didn't want to be distracted. Even though I'm not a huge Express fan I will occasionally find something I love, especially if I find myself in the Tie section... Oh I have a bad soft spot for ties. *HINT* Birthday coming up by the way. If you don't know what to get me, a cute tie is always in season. Anyway I looked and I saw the underwear. "DAMN IT! Nothing! It's all Mediums. And these blue ones are so cute. I've always wanted light blue underwear. This isn't fair. Wait, that's a small. Hm, it's red. I don't have any red underwear. This could be fun. HOLD UP! Dark purple under wear with black strips. Really? They are so cute. But you do already have purple underwear. You should mix it up and get the red ones........ Oh my god. The underwear is buy one get one half off........ It's fate."

Yeah. I know I have a sick obsession. OH! Here's the best part. So I bought the underwear and Trevor dumped me... "But, you can't break up with me. I just bought new underwear. Don't you understand how big a deal that is?" Fucking really? I really got dumped again. I mean, I'm by no means depressed that I no longer have this guy. I'm fine with that actually. I'm just bitter I got dumped a couple days after I bought new underwear and I didn't even get to use it. So now the underwear just sits there mocking me saying, "Haha you got dumped again!"... It doesn't really talk to me. I'm not crazy, I promise.

Chapter 7

Coming out of the closet was surprisingly easy. On one hand, I'm sure it was because was because it wasn't exactly the worlds best kept secret. But at the same time it was so easy because the few people I had told didn't ever pressure me to keep telling people.

After I told Jean-Louise that I was gay she reacted oddly to say the least.

"Michael are fucking kidding me?"

"Um, no."

"Because if you are kidding, I'm going to come over to your house and kick the shit out of you. If you aren't kidding then I love and support you."

"Yeah... I'm not kidding." Apparently kidding about your sexuality to Jeanie was something you didn't want to do.

We stayed up all night talking. For the first time in my life I felt like I was being my self. We talked about my feelings and how I was going to go about coming out for a little bit for the most part we just talked as friends. We talked about the boys we liked, which for me was a very big deal, what we would wear, and how we wanted to do our hair. You know... girl talk! I had never had a conversation so at ease.

Me and Jeanie got closer and closer. We began having code words about gay topics when we were infront of our friends. People began to notice that we had become very close, and a few even began to wonder what was up. Our friend Emily Strongin was a good example of this. She knew better than to think that the two of us were dating, but she was starting to wonder. So one by one we began to tell the others.

One day at a Starbucks I told my friend Katie Walker. She pretended to be surprised and I feel for it. It was very sweet.
A month or so later I told the previously mentiod Emily too.

"AW! I didn't realize you were..... fluffy."

That's right. she called me Fluffy. I had never heard of someone gay being refereed to as Fluffy.

It wasn't long until I had to tell Taylor. My best straight male friend. Honestly I wasn't friends with many boys in high school. Also I didn't give a shit what any of the boys thought of my sexuality, but telling T was going to be different. Every girl I told was more than fine and many loved me more for it, but normally the straight boys didn't know how to handle a gay guy. I cared what Taylor thought and I was pretty sure he would be fine, but he was still a straight boy.

Never the less though, he didn't care. He said it didn't ever change anything and that it never would.

There were still a couple more people to tell, but that is for another chapter.

Chapter 6: Untitled Chapter

Today's blog is brought to you by, "I CAN'T SLEEP: Ruining Your Rest for 21 Years and Counting"

My friends were always there for me in high school even though I often thought they weren't. I trusted very few people even though many of the people I didn't trust actually dissevered my trust the whole time. In fact in my Junior year I ended up turning to one of the last people I ever thought I would.

Jean-Louise Zancanella was a good friend. In the previous blog entrees she had been referred to as a Frienemie. Maybe that is how our relationship started, but in all honesty that was my fault. I was so annoying in my Freshmen year of high school I would have hated me.

As time went on I grew to really like Jean-Louise. I'm pretty sure (or at least I hope) she grew to like too. One day in the fall of my Junior year, which I guess was towards the end of 2005, I was at Luminaria bag folding party at Jeanie's house. The reason for the party by the way, was to make Luminaria's and sell them to raise money for the choir. As the party came to a close I turned to Jeanie and said I had to tell her something. To this day I still don't know why I said that, but it was the right thing to do. She said, "Alright. What's up?"

"Actually, how about we do this later? I'm actually kind of tired and should go home."

"...Okay."

I wasn't tired. I chickened out.

Later that night Jeanie called me.

"Hey, is everything okay Michael?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Well you just were acting funny today at the party. What did you want to tell me?"

"Oh honestly, I totally forgot. It must have not been that important."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm positive."

"Alright Michael. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Ditto. Have good night."

Why was I such a pussy? I couldn't even tell this person, who had become so close to me in the past 2 and a half years, what I was feeling..... Ok, I know it sounds like I'm about to confess my undying love for Jean-Lousie at this point in the story, but trust me. That isn't where this is going.

About an hour later, I realized that I had nothing to be afraid of. There was no reason to lie. Least of all to Jeanie. I was being stupid. So I picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Jeanie! Guess what!? I'm gay!"