A Kind Of A Sort Of

Ok, I get it. The universe doesn't want me to date. To all those guys out there that have had to go through the pain that was seeing me, I'm that person who spilled too many cups of coffee on your lap. I'm the person who accidently dropped the burning candle on your cat. I'm that guy who slipped on your front porch after our first kiss which showed you that maybe you don't want to be seen in public with me. Thankfully, I'm not the guy that reended you and then tried to molest you in your bedroom. He's one step of pathetic dating habits beneath me even.

You've broken up with me for varies reason. You say "You're just too good in bed for me." or "I think we have such a great friendship that we shouldn't risk anything." Really you're saying "You set my kitchen on fire. Please never speak to me again." or "You watch Doctor Who. Seriously, who watches that?"

I've screwed up more relationships, dates, flings, coffee's and lunches than you can really even begin to know though. One time I sat in utter silence while the cute boy across the star bucks coffee table tried his hardest to come up with something for the two of us to talk about, yet for some reason all he was really able to think about was "Dear god, when will this date be over?" And all I could think was, "IF you don't say something then this will be the most terribly awkward hour of your entire life. DEAR JESUS! Just say something! ANYTHING WILL DO!!!" I should have just said, "So this obviously isn't going to work out then."

I've dumped during Super Bad. That's right. DURING Super Bad. Not after the movie... During. That boy couldn't even make it through the entire movie (terrible movie by the way) to tell me that this was over. He leans over and begins to tell me just how over it is while the two idiots on screen make penis jokes.

It was today though that I believe I have hit an all time low. I'm not sure how, but I managed to fuck up a date before it even happened. It's like I preemptively cock blocked myself... Actually, this one shouldn't be my fault (KEYWORD: shouldn't). I did nothing wrong except flirt with a boy and ask him on a date or two. We never went on any of those dates. EVER. But today I was informed that there was a "rumor" that me and the previously mentioned boy had actually been seriously dating for a while now. At first I thought, "Hey, that's weird and funny and random and of course not true at all." After a while though I began to realize that this previously mentioned guy must have thought that I was psycho freak who was going around telling people that we were seriously dating. Which we were NOT for the record! Would I have liked to go to a movie or lunch or something? Yes, I would have. Did I? No. Will I? Well now I don't think I'm going to get to. Will I live? Of course!

It is funny though. I'll admit it. I can laugh myself. I can laugh at the fact that when I try to do something romantic my car breaks down on a mountain side with no chance of rescue. I can laugh at myself as the unbelievably handsome man at Flying Star watches me tumble down the stairs while holding an order of Macaroni and Cheese. I even laughed at myself when I managed to pour an entire liter of Doctor Pepper on my pants in front of a boy who would eventually become my first boyfriend.

So, I know I'm an awkward, klutzy, humiliating excuse for a young gay man who might just be a tad too nerdy, but I always thought I was a kind of a sort of catch, and I know I'm going to do something klutzy tomorrow that ultimately could endanger me and many other people, but it wouldn't be a day in the life of me if I didn't.